Pain

Pain...
I hate the emotional kind
Yet I love the physical kind
I don't mind getting a flesh wound
At least that can be healed
But the emotional pain...
Is a lot like a scar
It never goes away
It just fades
But it's still there
You know it is
You can't ignore it
Especially when your exposed
You know what I mean right?
If you don't...
I'll tell you what I do with my pain
How it formed
How I deal with it
How it stays...
How it tortures me
How it makes me suffer everyday

I've been alone physically
And emotionally
For eleven years...
I'll be honest,
It'll sound like a total cliche
But it's how I truly feel
It really is
I've never felt truly loved by the people around me
In the seventeen years of my existence
I was a cheerful child for six years
Never knowing what love was
Or what it meant
I still don't know
But after the divorce
I barley saw my mom
Or my brother
You get used to the solitude in your own home
After a few years
It's worse at school
The people I so desperatly wanted to be friends with...
Always put me down
Saying that I was hated by everyone
I'll never be accepted
There's no reason for me to be alive
Or to even be there
Not a single person stood up for me
The teacher never did anything...
It was like that for eleven years
It stopped in Freshman year
But I was so scared...
I was practically a ghost
Nobody would notice me
Even when I called out their name
So I was quiet
Scared what people would think of me when I gave my opinion
Now that you know most of my emotional pain...
How it developed
How it grew like bacteria
It's time for you to know how I deal with it
Physically
It's not what you think
I never cut myself
I knew it was wrong
I knew it would only become an addiction
Plus I didn't want anyone to see my scars
So I dealt with it another way...
With more pain

For fifteen years
I never hit anything
Besides my brother
But he doesn't count...
For the past two years though...
I've been hurting myself in ways no one can tell
I kicked the doorframe
Until I couldn't stand anymore and fell
Then I'd punch it
Until my hands were numb and shaky
Then I would rear my head back...
Just wanting to knock myself unconscious
Then wake up
And see that my pain is all just a dream
But it was all too real...
I'd keep rearing my head back even more
Only imagining the pain it would cause me
And wanted it ever so dearly
But there was always something in the back of my mind
Screaming at me
Telling me to stop
"Stop!"
"Don't do it!"
"You'll regret it!"
"Stop!"
"Please... Stop"
Then I would cry
Wanting to see who or what it was
Who or what actually cared
Then I'd thread my fingers through my hair and pull
Wanting it all just to be a dream...
Then I'd scream and curse myself
Knowing I was alone
And no one could hear me...
No matter how loud I got
I keep screaming until my throat goes numb
Then I'd crawl to my bed and sleep
Knowing that I was exhausted
Emotionally and physically
People always wonder why I'm always so tired...

This is my pain
What I've been through
What I've done
Now that you know...
There's a question lingering in the back of my mind
A question I hate asking
Always afraid of the answer...
Will you avoid me too?